Stuff Television Taught Me

"I think I need more knives."
- Unknown

I've learned a couple of things lately that tell me a lot about what's going on. The first is that for about $150 you can purchase about 180 knives of all shapes and varieties through a special late-night offering on the info channel. Appropriately labelled, 'The Knife Show', all of your psychotic, sociopathic, PETA-hating, dismembering tendencies and primal urges can leap from your brain stem and come to fruition right on the front page of real life for just $149.99, and they'll even pay shipping and handling.

Just what in God's name a person would want with 180 knives, I can't imagine. And not kitchen knives mind you, serated gutting knives, green-beret knives, hunting knives, chop-a-head-off knives, even a 36" Kitana blade, all for 79 cents a piece. If you don't believe me, just look for it next time your surfing through tv channels late at night looking for something unbelievable. As you can imagine, the hosts of this show are quite remarkable too. A flannel-wearing white guy who looks to have completed all 3 years of middle school, and bears a resemblance to Al Boreland from 'Tool Time', swearing about how this deal changed his life and is worth every penny. And why someone would take knife-buying advice from his co-host, a middle-aged white woman who looks more like a Martha Stewart stand-in and speaks with an almost Ivy league proper, is just as baffling as the fact that this show is really on TV. But it is.

It almost seems like a set-up. Some secret federal operation to find out who all the real sick fucks are out there and get their credit card numbers. If that's the plan then I'm all for it, but if this really is a real show, sending real knives real cheap to real people who are awake at 3am, and were just-thinking about how they need more knives in their life, God help us all.