The Measuring Sticks of Life, OR, Why I Can't be with a loose woman

Life is kinda like a board game in that it has a simple objective. But games are a bad analogy for life because people associate them with fun. It ain't all about fun. Sure you can have it, but that can't be your measuring stick of life if you intend to accomplish anything of substance.
The 0bjective of life is to build yourself to a point where you can have offspring, and raise them to be successful adults capable of doing the same thing. Everybody's idea of success if likely to vary, but my idea of success is to be able to make some kind of contribution to humanity. You have to try to make things a little better than they were when you started out. Otherwise, everything is to shit.
As an adult, it can be argued that the accomplishments and relative success of your offspring are the measuring stick of your own success. If you raise good kids, you've done your job. Moreover, as a man in particular, the greatest thing you can do to fail as a man, husband, and father, is to raise a little girl, to become a promiscuous woman. (If you don't believe me, just ask any good father with a daughter what his deepest darkest fear is that doesn't involve death.) The reason is obvious, and self-contained. If I personally raise my daughter to become a "ho" in the parlance of our times, I have quite simply, FAILED. High school, college, law school, my career, everything else I could have done will be overshadowed to me by that glaring hole. Not to say that I don't care about my son, but it's different. It's fathers and daughters, and mothers and sons, we all know this. You have a different sensitivity about your opposite-sex child because you know your own sex, and you know what they're trying to do to you little girl (or boy as the case may be). If I select a woman, to be my children's mother, and she's laid out with 2 dozen men, what can I really expect her to impart to my daughter but more of the same? For whatever reason, I understand there may be extenuating circumstances, but the result of her mix of nature and nurture was hoedom*. Wouldn't I be a fool to make that gamble on the future prosperity of my little girl?
Think about it. If you don't want your kids to grow up and become drug-addicts, you don't go looking for your future mate at the heroin-overdose clinic. Why should hoedom be any different? To me, it's not. It's that simple.
So my only request is this: If any woman ever finds herself interested in me (for what reason I couldn't imagine but that's a different topic), if you've got a body count anywhere near half of your age, keep right on walking and save us both the trouble.
I'm out.

Things Grown Men Just Can't Do (suggestions welcome)

One cannot call himself a grown man if he still hath not mastered the art of urination without dampening the toilet seat...

Under no circumstances may a grown man make a nickname for himself and try to make others use it.

Nor can one call himself a grown man if he uses the phrase, "Getting my grown man on..." - thanks to M. Singleton

A grown man may not boo-hoo at ANY time
especially after getting his ass kicked in an oral argument in his first year of law school

A grown man cannot wear flip-flops outside of the house if he is not at the beach (this includes man-sandals)

Video games are fun, but the successful grown man cannot spend any considerable amount of time playing them...

In fact, it is best for the putative grown man not to invest in any video game systems, for they shall surely lock him into the notorious 2nd childhood...

A grown man may not seek credit for doing things that he is supposed to do as a grown man

A grown man cannot obsess over such nonsense as rims for his car and ringtones for his cell phone...

A grown man cannot address women as "bitches"
Some of them may act bitchy, and some really are bitches but don't over generalize, furthermore some things are just rude and that's one of them

A grown man cannot be involved in the club scene

A grown man cannot overuse the words "dude" or "yo"

There is no reason for a grown man to EVER participate in a dance-off.

The Man-Crush.....enough said

A grown man shall not send another grown man text messages

(not) my life...

An unfortunate side-effect of living in an ethnically heterogenous society such as America, is that there are always going to be cultural divides amongst people. The one that gets the most press for obvious reasons has always been that between blacks and whites. Over time, a natural consequence of close interaction with each other is that in certain places, the edges start to blur a little. So what do you do when you're one of those people who grow up with one foot in each shoe?
"You're a Huxtable" everyone would say to me. "He's not really black." Others would say. "You're so white." yet others would suggest. But it was funny to me how quickly I became black when I was pulled over one time after I may or may not have been spent the night speaking to Mr. James Beam for a few hours. When the rubber hits the road, all bets are off.
I will always be exactly what I am. A fortunate upper-middle class raised black american male. It's not exactly commonplace I wouldn't say, but I'm not exactly a spotted unicorn either. But what has always been present in my life, is someone trying to push me from one group to another. People trying to force their own conception of my identity upon me. Some do it jokingly, some with hostility, some in outright anger at the fact that since I was raised to pronounce words properly I can never call myself black. If this isn't the most backwards shit I've ever heard. Think about it... What are they really saying? And this is just one side of the coin, the other side isn't any better. I'll get to that one later, but for now, just something to think about.

Everybody's an ASSHOLE

I have to apologize for my vulgarity, but my new take on my fellow people is that everybody is a fucking asshole until they show otherwise. I'm tired of it, people deserve no more credit. I was at the bar the other day discussing this and similar matters with my man Mike, (who's one of the ever-shrinking list of people in my life who help to serve as my last bastion of sanity), when this girl walked by. A black girl she was. She had some kind of braided hair on half of her scalp, the other half shiny bald like a nice new pair of brown leather loafers. The braids looked kinda stiff and were flipped into some sort of curl over to the bald side. Through her ear, there was a bone. A bone that looked like at some point in its history, it did its work in the leg of some unfortunate woodland creature who met its demise in some certainly horrible fashion, and donated its once vibrant femur to some knucklehead, hipster-dufus jewelry shop, whereupon it was purchased by our wonderful specimen of humanity which now stood before me. She had nazi-style leather boots on her feet, and some baggy, maroon burlap pants. As she was leaving the bar, she turned to her friend, and out of her mouth came the phrase, "We're going to turn that mother out." My mouth opened to say something, but I just couldn't find the words in my vocabulary to express my precise thoughts at that moment. Mike I'm sure was experiencing the same thing. But what was so disturbing is that no one else so much as batted an eye. If they thought about it at all, I'm sure it was something like 'She's expressing herself'' or, 'she's being her.' You can justify anything if that's how you think. And surely they do. This is life? This girl is a real person? This is normal? I'm done. Everybody's a fucking asshole.

Untitled Rant about Modern Sex-Society and Advice to Future Women

There comes a time in every boys life where he realizes that he can't use sex as a justification for everything. Boys have a habit of seeing everything through the jaded lens of explanation called, "I'm getting pussy." If they are, then they feel like no matter what they are doing with themselves, it must be right, otherwise they wouldn't be fucking. The problem with that is that nowadays, girls who are supposed to be the sexual selectors of the bunch have really started slacking on that front for various reasons. They have gotten so accustomed to outlandish, pointless, reckless male behavior that they have come to accept it as par for the course when it comes to boys. It's always been like this in a way, except before, there were limits to the extremity of male behavior. Now in the cellphone, internet, MTV Kanye look-alike-contest age, the fire has started to burn out of control.

But girls like out of control. 'Girls just want to have fun', is arguably the worst and most disturbingly right song in the history of garbage 80's music (which is a long history). Everybody wants to have fun, but when you start to grow up you see the practicality of tempering that with a sense of reality. People just generally seem allergic to reality these days, but that's a whole different tangent.
It should not be acceptable for a girl who wants to get married and have a family to take a grown-boy as her partner-to-be. We all know who the grown boys are, they're still living in that second childhood if they ever got out of the first one. When you hear a girl talking about how there's no good guys, it's because she invariably had a man-child somewhere in her past.
But what she doesn't realize is that perhaps it's her very selectivity that is leading her to these poor prospects. Pick better, don't blame them. If you demand it, you will get it.

Whatever happened to fresh air?

Everyone loves to feel like they're on the inside. Even when they have never even opened their shades to see what's lies outside their window.

A while ago I overheard a cell-phone conversation of a guy who was a few years below me in high school. He was most upset at the friend of his on the other end of the line. The subject of his ire was this. "Who let that dude into Play-on Playa Facebook group!?"

Yes, you did read that correctly. Why? Why must my precious, albeit frequently squandered time be burdened with such nonsensical verbal junk-mail? Simply because I go outside?

Is this what people are afraid to open a window and see. It should be, but it's not. I know this because I see the people behind this engaged in myriad other examples of childish prattle at all hours of the day for equally unreasonable reasons. These are the same people that want to claim 'Cool' by reinforcing their sense of in-group with their cro-magnon cohort that hypes up each other's absurd notions.

This kind of shit can't be going on outside my window all the time. There are still people who think, yet for some reason it has become cool not to. Beyond that, it has even become cool to chide the thinkers for their work. I suppose it always has been like this to an extent. But that doesn't make it a good idea.

I'm not saying I think I'm better than all of these people, but I'm trying my hardest to weather this putrid, storming confederacy of duncehood*, and I could use some help cause it's a mighty strong stench. Everyone please remember to open your windows now and again, there might be fresh air outside.

Multi-Tasking, and Other New-Age Nonsense

People who like to polish their own asses with the new "Multi-tasker" moniker need to all go to hell. How have they made it through life thus far? Now that there's a trendy name for some simple concept everyone wants to be in on the party. Making names for shit that already existed to make it look like more than it is...

People who are shopping for cars and look at a Dodge because it has a 'Hemi' in it like it says in all the commercials. Come now, are we serious? Does no one think anymore? What the fuck is a hemi? You don't know, I don't know, they don'tknow, it doesn't matter even if you do know. They're advertising a truck that contains an engine. How luxurious!

This is just like the Chris Rock bit about men who say things like, "I take care of my kids!", and expect somebody to step from behind the camera and hand them a gold statue. You can't ask for credit for doing things that you are supposed to do. You undermine the integrity of the whole society when you do because when enough people start to do it, it becomes the norm, then it becomes acceptable to be do things that essentially take everyone back to days of clubbing women upside the head and dragging the by their hair back to the cave. You might as well not even have a frontal lobe if you're going to ignore it.

Things I Hate...Followed in some cases by my advice to the perpetrators

(in no particular order)

I'm angry

Ugly people serving my food...highly unappetizing*

People who think they are too good to drink or smoke

Pop music...it sucks

People who engage other people in conversations when they know neither has anything to say to the other*

Hollywood because all they do is give out awards*

Fat chicks in short and/or tight clothing...be realistic

Couples not involving myself

Adults who watch American Idol

The fact that people like keanu reeves and antonio banderas get overpaid to suck at what they do

People who describe their occupation as "hustla"*

People who ride New York like it's the center of the universe...shut the fuck up*

People who think wearing expensive crap clothing makes them cool...open the window and jump

Philly homeless people that try to give the unrequested parallel parking assist..fuck off

Dudes that are taller than me
Downloadable ringtones

Brian Billick's coaching*

Dudes that are shorter than me that act tough...good luck with that

Girls with no standards who bang cornball dudes for no good reason messing up the whole system for the girls who still have some integrity left.
My bizarro hairline

Whoever's job it is to keep looking for more places to hide cheese on pizzas

These are just some of my thoughts on things that piss me off, and is not intended to offend anyone, except where noted with an asterisk. More to come...